SpruceHill

Happy Birthday to my Sadie

 
Today Sadie turns five years old. She and all her litter mates were a big surprise. When my cousin came home from his honeymoon his dog Bell had a littler of puppies that no one knew were coming. The first time we went to see them I knew that Sadie was meant to be ours. Her two favorite things are her soccer ball and my Hubs. She would follow him anywhere. Every morning when he leaves for work she herds his car and sits at the top of the lane and waits for him to come back.

 
Sadie is afraid of our goats and horses. When she was a puppy she touched her nose to the electric fence at the same time as she touched noses with one of our lambs and got a big shock. In her mind I think that she believes that the lamb shocked her. We joke around that she thinks that the animals shoot lasers out of their eyes to shock her, because she refuses to even look at them. So instead of herding animals she herds the car and our gator. Border collies tend to be obsessive compulsive, and she is. Just not about chasing sheep!

Foofindoofin

I took a walk this evening and Finny (also known as Foofindoofin) tagged along. I find him sitting in this spot a lot. Waiting for the goats to come and hang out by the fence. He lives for the goats to come to the fence. Miss H has been taking him into the paddock at feeding time. He likes to play with the goats. He bites them on the neck like they are dogs. Cocoa has given him a couple good head butts, he doesn't seem to mind.

He sticks pretty close to me most of the time, following me just about everywhere I go. He likes to snuggle up when I don't feel well. His behavior seems to be getting a little better. It's been a while since he has overturned a full trash can. His one vice is digging holes, but we're working on it. A friend suggested to sprinkle black pepper into the holes that he digs in. I am willing to try it.

It's a good thing he's so cute! 

  
  

Losing myself

 
 

My photography grounds me, and gives me a total release from all of my stress and thoughts of cancer. For a few minutes or so I am just me, with a camera in the flowers.
   

From my garden, changes

I can count on one hand the number of days before Little E starts school. The older girls start a bit later this year so they have an extra week of vacation. Little E heads off to third grade this year, my baby in third grade! I'm not sure how that happened so fast.

We have been gathering our school supplies and buying books. Purchasing new uniforms for Miss E who is starting high school this year. We have also been making lots of trips to school for Miss E's cheer practices. They are really working hard to get all their cheers learned before football season.

 
Miss H is a senior this year, which is like totally impossible since I just graduated like yesterday. Ok well it's been longer then that but still. I still feel 18 inside! We are starting to look at schools for next year, thinking about her next step towards adulthood. It's a big decision to make for a 17 year old.

My niece and nephew are both off to college, the first grand children to leave home. So many changes to adjust to.

I'm looking forward to a more structured schedule but will feel the daily emptiness of the house down to my core. 
 

I can't turn it all off

For the last week or so I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I lay in bed and can't seem to settle down my body and mind enough to relax. This is a common thing with cancer patients, and I have had trouble from time to time. No matter what meds I take, sleep just does not come. My mind races, I think about my treatment, if it's working. What is in store for me with my next round of chemo. Will I feel good this time? Will my blood counts be low again? Will I need another transfusion?  It's really hard to turn all those questions off in my head. I think about why I got cancer, was it my fault, something I did wrong? Was there anything I could have done to prevent my recurrence? How is it all effecting my kids? Will it change who they are who they were supposed to be? Why me? Why not someone else, I am not tough enough for all of this! It goes on and on and on.

I know deep down inside that cancer happens to people, good people. It does not discriminate, but my emotions get thrown into the mix. Cancer does not just scar your body it scars your mind and your self confidence. When I look in the mirror I see my mastectomy scars, my port sticking out like a sore thumb in the middle of my chest. I see the 10 pounds I have gained, I see my thinning lifeless hair.

Tomorrow I start my chemo cycle again. As I sit in my recliner and talk to my husband who takes care of my every need, we will  talk about the kids and read trashy magazines. I make small talk with the nurses who are all so wonderful. I like to tweetwith friends who keep me company at every treatment, keeping me smiling. The infusion center is a very quiet place, with quiet chatter and the sound of twerping infusion pumps going off. It's actually a pretty relaxing place. After my 3 hours of infusion we head home and I nap all afternoon. we have meals delivered and people call to see how I am doing.

I don't know when my treatments will end, my doctor keeps an eye on my scans and tracks my progress. My first time through chemo I had a set time of 8 treatments and a goal to look forward to. This time I don't have that and it makes it harder I think. I try very hard not to feel down, I am grateful that I am here and grateful for the time I have to spend with the people I love. Living one day at a time and making every moment count. Feeling lucky to be a Mom to my girls and lucky to have such a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what. They keep me going, reminding me everyday why I am doing all this in the first place.