I can't turn it all off

For the last week or so I have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I lay in bed and can't seem to settle down my body and mind enough to relax. This is a common thing with cancer patients, and I have had trouble from time to time. No matter what meds I take, sleep just does not come. My mind races, I think about my treatment, if it's working. What is in store for me with my next round of chemo. Will I feel good this time? Will my blood counts be low again? Will I need another transfusion?  It's really hard to turn all those questions off in my head. I think about why I got cancer, was it my fault, something I did wrong? Was there anything I could have done to prevent my recurrence? How is it all effecting my kids? Will it change who they are who they were supposed to be? Why me? Why not someone else, I am not tough enough for all of this! It goes on and on and on.

I know deep down inside that cancer happens to people, good people. It does not discriminate, but my emotions get thrown into the mix. Cancer does not just scar your body it scars your mind and your self confidence. When I look in the mirror I see my mastectomy scars, my port sticking out like a sore thumb in the middle of my chest. I see the 10 pounds I have gained, I see my thinning lifeless hair.

Tomorrow I start my chemo cycle again. As I sit in my recliner and talk to my husband who takes care of my every need, we will  talk about the kids and read trashy magazines. I make small talk with the nurses who are all so wonderful. I like to tweetwith friends who keep me company at every treatment, keeping me smiling. The infusion center is a very quiet place, with quiet chatter and the sound of twerping infusion pumps going off. It's actually a pretty relaxing place. After my 3 hours of infusion we head home and I nap all afternoon. we have meals delivered and people call to see how I am doing.

I don't know when my treatments will end, my doctor keeps an eye on my scans and tracks my progress. My first time through chemo I had a set time of 8 treatments and a goal to look forward to. This time I don't have that and it makes it harder I think. I try very hard not to feel down, I am grateful that I am here and grateful for the time I have to spend with the people I love. Living one day at a time and making every moment count. Feeling lucky to be a Mom to my girls and lucky to have such a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what. They keep me going, reminding me everyday why I am doing all this in the first place.

Comments

[Evilstepmomster]

You're an inspiration to alot of us Sarah!
I wish I could say or do something that would make it all better.
You have so many people wishing you well!
Stay tough! You'll win!

[Virginia]

Teri is right, Sarah. You are an inspiration.

No words of comfort can adequately express how I feel having read this post, this journal entry. I wish I was there for you and able to take a walk with you down by the waterfalls or sit on your porch with you chatting about anything and everything.

You will get through this with your pink pom-pom cheerleading team surrounding you.

[Marla]

I have been praying for you for months and will continue to do so. My fiancee survived cancer- twice. Your illness is affecting your daughters... but in great ways. They are going to be more loving, gentle, and kind them they would have been if you wouldn't have gotten sick. Hang in there.

I agree with Virginia and Terri. You're an inspiration.

Marla @ www.asthefarmturns.wordpress.com

[mary]

Sarah - your bravery and honesty set the examples for your girls - and for us..

I can only simply lend you my support from way over here - you are touching lives more deeply than you might even realise.

xx

[Dot O]

I always check your FB status to see what's up. I haven't tweeted in so long!! Tomorrow, while you're getting chemo, I will be taking my elderly parents out to lunch. I'll check your tweets when I return. They want to be home no later than 3 PM because that is their schedule :)

Prayers for a good night's sleep tonight and an easy weekend ahead for you.

[coffeejitters (Judy Haley)]

Yeah, cancer's affect on my confidence is worse than the mastectomy scar... I just switched to Taxol this week. Managing it ok, but the bone aches are something else. Hope yours goes okay.

[mamajulie]

No one should have to bear what you are bearing right now, but I have several friends who are survivors and all of them had the same fears and asked the same questions as you.
It's OK to not be strong all the time, and it's OK to be afraid. It's OK to cry and it's OK to worry. Not everyone is strong all the time.
You are in my prayers.

[Alice C]

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I wish you a few moments of peace in each day when you can forget all the things that you are dealing with and just enjoy those beautiful girls of yours with your wonderful husband and be so proud.
Alicex

[Hilary Cooper-Kenny]

You are so strong, and you have every right to ask those questions of the universe.
I pray that you come through this and thrive. You are a beautiful soul.

[Samantha]

Sarah, you do have a lot of people thinking and praying for you, me included.
It is so unfair that you are going through this again.
It is very true though - you are an inspiration to us all, in the way you cope with this and share it with others.
I hope you have a good week and some proper relaxed sleep soon.

[Michele]

My thoughts are with you Sarah. I don't know what you are going through so there is no way I can offer words of comfort other than to let you know I'm thinking about you and praying for complete recovery.

[Julie]

Dear Sarah! I am not good with words, but if I were there with you I would give you a great big hug. I am good with hugs! I will keep you in my prayers. xoxo

[Laurie]

It's been a while since I checked in, Sarah, and I'm sorry that you're feeling like this. I wish there was something I could do or say to help; alas, being only a friend on the Internet I can only say that you have touched many lives with your posts and that we all are rooting for you. I will be thinking of you every day.

[Laurie]

P.S. Your photography ROCKS, by the way. :)

[The Vamp Tramp]

As always, you're in my prayers. Thank you for your honesty and for giving up this glimpse into such a tough time in your life. I know you'll get through this. I have faith. Stay strong and when you find you're unable to shut your mind off, maybe try thinking of something positive... like Edward. ;)